Les Misérables: Abbreviated Edition
by crazybeagle
Summary: Les Misérables, ultra-condensed and shamelessly parodied. Mwahaha.
1. Act I

**Les Misérables- Abbreviated Edition**

**So I actually got around to listening to my dad's copy of the Symphonic Recording, and I had an immediate "Where has this musical been all my life?" sort of epiphany. I will get around to writing some real Les Miz fanfics in the near future, but in the meantime, I present Act I of my shameless parody. Inspired by LostOzian's "RENT in 56 Seconds" and "Wicked in 62 Seconds." **

~ACT I~

~Toulon, 1815~

CONVICTS- LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives SUCK!

VALJEAN- Tell me about it… 19 freaking years for doing the right thing…

JAVERT- I _really_ hate you. But you get parole now.

VALJEAN: Yay! MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!

JAVERT: Whatever. I've got my eyes on you, buddy.

FARMER: You're fired.

VALJEAN: *sigh* Okay then…

INKEEPER'S WIFE: Go away.

VALJEAN: Fine, geez_._ [Sits down, all dejected.] Well, this sucks.

BISHOP: Here, take advantage of my hospitality and by all means, steal my stuff!

VALJEAN: Alrighty then! [Steals cup]

COPS: Who stole your cup?

BISHOP: [Points at Valjean] Definitely not this guy.

COPS: [Shrug and walk away]

BISHOP: [Gives Valjean the candlesticks] And while you're at it, take these too, you assho- Ahem, I mean, go and the Lord's blessing be upon you.

VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Time to go be a good person.

~Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1823~

THE POOR: AT THE END OF THE DAY! AT THE END OF THE DAY! Our lives SUCK!

FANTINE: Tell me about it.

RANDOM WOMAN 1: The foreman's being particularly nasty today…

RANDOM WOMAN 2: Eh, he's just horny and desperate.

RANDOM WOMAN 1: [Grabs Fantine's letter] "Send us money, blah blah blah, your kid needs a doctor…" Hey boss! Fantine's a slut!

FOREMAN: Oh Fantine, I want you so much- Ahem, I mean, you're fired.

FANTINE: *sob* I DREAMED A DREEEEEEAM…of a life that didn't SUCK.

WHORES: STANDING-UP-OR-LYING-DOWN-OR-ANY-WAY-AT-ALL!

FANTINE: Eew…

RANDOM WHORE: Eh, you're no better than the rest of us, kid. Care to join us?

FANTINE: Alrighty, then!

BAMATABOIS: Sleep with me!

FANTINE: Eew…

BAMATABOIS: [Whacks her with a walking stick] SLEEP WITH ME! [Sees Javert] Officer! Arrest her! She rejected- Ahem, I mean, she attacked me!

JAVERT: You're under arrest!

FANTINE: But…but…my daughter!

JAVERT: Shut up. This is _Les Misérables, _and we don't care about _children _in this play.

GAVROCHE: Tell me about it….

CROWD: LOOK OUT! It's a conveniently-timed runaway cart!

FAUCHELEVANT: Oh, crap…

VALJEAN: [Rescues him]

FAUCHELEVANT: Bless you, sir!

JAVERT: Hrmm, you look awful familiar.

VALJEAN: [Nervous laughter] Oh, really? Imagine that…

JAVERT: Eh, nevermind. Guess not. Anyway, I just caught the bastard, and his trial is conveniently today! You should drop by!

VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Oh well, only one thing to do… [Appears in front of court, dramatically rips open shirt] I AM JEAN VALJEAN!

COURT: Aagh! IT'S HIDEOUS!

VALJEAN: [Closes shirt sheepishly and flees the scene]

FANTINE: [Dying pathetically in a bed] Cosette…?

VALJEAN: No! I AM JEAN VALJEAN!

FANTINE: Oh…So you're the bastard who let me get fired…

VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! I shall care for your Cosette!

FANTINE: Yeah, you'd better… [dies]

JAVERT: YOOOOU!

VALJEAN: Hey, buddy, think of the kid…

JAVERT: I TOLD you, we don't CARE about CHILDREN in this play! You're under arrest.

VALJEAN: [Rolling up sleeves] Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way…

JAVERT: Bring it.

VALJEAN: [Knocks him out and runs for his life]

YOUNG COSETTE: *sobs* SOMEBODY LOVE ME!

MME. THENARDIER: SHUT UP, YOU!

THENARDIER: I'm just a dirty rotten bastard, aren't I?

DRINKERS: Yes, you are!

MME. THENARDIER: YES, YOU ARE.

THENARDIER: I'll drink to that.

DRINKERS: So will we!

VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…

VALJEAN: You are terrible people.

THE THENARDIERS: Why yes, we are!

VALJEAN: Come on, Cosette.

COSETTE: Yay!

VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…

~Paris, 1832 [Not a good year to be a Parisian!]~

BEGGARS: LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives suck!

ENJOLRAS: They won't for long!

MARIUS: Not if we have anything to do with it!

GAVROCHE: LONG LIVE US!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ALREADY KNOW THE STORY: [Cringe at the irony of the previous line]

THENARDIER: Let's go rob a house!

ROBBERS: YAY!

MARIUS: Eponine, you're my best friend in the whole wide world!

EPONINE: Well that's good, because I love y-

MARIUS: Yeah, whatever.

EPONINE: *sigh*

MME. THENARDIER: Time to go rob a house, Eponine!

MARIUS: What…?

EPONINE: STAY OUT OF THIS! [Runs away]

MARIUS: Oh, well… [Bumps into Cosette, and from the strings section immediately comes a sappy, swelling, romantic melody]

AUDIENCE: Huh, three guesses what happens next…

MARIUS: Forgive me, I did not see you there. [As she walks away] You know, I think I may just be madly and eternally in love with her.

THENARDIER: Hey, I remember you!

VALJEAN: *Nervous laughter* Heh heh, no you don't…

EPONINE: RUN! It's Javert!

VALJEAN: Okay, I'm outta here.

JAVERT: There will be JUSTICE! And YOU will ROT in HELL! I swear it by the STARS!

MARIUS: So guess what?

EPONINE: What?

MARIUS: Two minutes ago I saw some random girl, and now I'm madly and eternally in love with her.

EPONINE: [Trying not to cry] Well that's just…great. *sniff*

MARIUS: Will you find her for me, bestest friend in the whole wide world? [Gives her a coin]

EPONINE: [Hands him the coin] You can just take _this _and shove it up your…Ahem, I mean…I can't accept this.

MARIUS: [Pouts] Pretty please?

EPONINE: *Sigh* On my way. [Once out of earshot] …Cosette can go die in a ditch….

ENJOLRAS: ANARCHY! REVOLUTION! JUSTICE SCREAMING FOR SOLUTION!

JOLY: …Uh, wrong musical…

ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU! Marius, you're late.

GRANTAIRE: Ooh, somebody's in looooove!

MARIUS: [Nods dreamily]

ENJOLRAS: Eew, with a GIRL? That's it, you're out of the club- Ahem, I mean…focus, people. Revolution.

MARIUS: …but she was so hot…

ENJOLRAS: FOCUS.

STUDENTS: REVOLUTION!

GAVROCHE: General Lamarque is dead!

ENJOLRAS: Time to go kill some imperialist bitches. WHO'S WITH ME?

STUDENTS: Yay! DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SING!

COSETTE: Huh…That guy who almost bowled me over earlier…I think I might just be madly and eternally in love with him. And Papa, please tell me all of the deep, dark secrets of your past.

VALJEAN: No.

MARIUS: There she is! IN MY LIIIIIFE SHE HAS BURST LIKE THE MUSIC OF ANGELS, THE LIGHT OF THE SUUUUN!

EPONINE: [gags]

MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!

EPONINE: …Whatever. [Once out of earshot] I hope she gets fat and that all your children are ugly.

MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE!

MARIUS: *contented sigh* This is great.

COSETTE: I know, right?

MARIUS: What's your name, by the way?

COSETTE: Cosette.

MARIUS: Oh, nice to meet you. Now where were we?

MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEEART FULL OF YOOOOOOU!

EPONINE: Is no one else seeing the ridiculousness of this!? [Sees Montparnasse] *Nervous laughter* Oh, so you guys are gonna rob _this _house…

THENARDIER: That was the plan.

EPONINE: Not anymore. I'm gonna scream.

THENARDIER: Do it and die, kid.

EPONINE: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

THENARDIER: Why you little… [Flees]

MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!

EPONINE: [Grumbling] Yeah, yeah…

VALJEAN: What the hell's going on?

COSETTE: Sinister shadows beyond the wall!

VALJEAN: Oh crap. My Javert-senses are tingling…

EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MORE…

ENJOLRAS: …until revolution!

EPONINE: …on my own.

VALJEAN: …until he finds me.

MARIUS AND COSETTE: …until our one-day anniversary.

JAVERT: …until I betray them all.

THE THENARDIERS: …until everybody DIES.

AUDIENCE: Ain't _that _the truth...

EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MOOOOOOORE!

~End Act I~


	2. Act II

Les Miserables: Abbreviated Edition  
~ACT II~

~The next day~

ENJOLRAS: So how many are we up against?

RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Twenty five thousand, approximately…

ENJOLRAS: WHAT? How do you know that?

RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Well _I _don't. But the author just checked Wikipedia…

ENJOLRAS: [A bit faintly] Oh. Um. [gulps] Wow.

RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: And eight hundred casualties, give or take.

ENJOLRAS: Oh shit, we're all gonna die—Ahem, I mean, do me a favor, would you?

RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Sure.

ENJOLRAS: Don't...uh…don't mention that to anyone else, okay? Historical facts aren't exactly good for everyone's morale right about now.

RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Uh, sure. But just so you know, we're all screwed.

ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU.

JAVERT: [In disguise] Heh, I'm so sneaky.

EPONINE: [Also in disguise] So am I!

MARIUS: No, you're really not. Get the hell out of here, you moron.

EPONINE: [Giggles] You really like me, don't you?

MARIUS: Sure, whatever. Here, bring this to Cosette. [Hands her a letter]

EPONINE: What for?

MARIUS: Because in the twelve or so hours we've been apart I'm sure she's forgotten that I exist.

EPONINE: [rolls eyes] Oh, I'm sure… [to Valjean] Here's a letter for your daughter from a boy at the barricade…Ahem, I mean a _love _letter from her _soulmate _at the barricade…that she just met yesterday, by the way.

VALJEAN: [Takes letter] Oh, this oughta be good.

EPONINE: Oh yes. Have fun with that. [Walks away]

AUDIENCE: [becomes misty-eyed at the sweet tenderness of Marius' words as Valjean reads the letter aloud]

VALJEAN: So…going behind my back and doing God-knows-what with my daughter… I'll kill the bastard—Ahem, I mean…I wish them many years of bliss.

EPONINE: So I wander the slums of Paris at night all alone with an imaginary Marius. Is that weird?

CRAZYBEAGLE: It's dangerous, creepy, and borderline schizophrenic, honey. But every scorned woman in the audience feels your pain.

EPONINE: Who are you?

CRAZYBEAGLE: That's none of your concern. Now back to the story…

STUDENTS: Yay! The barricade is finished!

ENJOLRAS: Yup. And I want you all to overlook the fact that it's really not much more than a pile of random wooden crap, because it makes for one friggin' awesome set piece.

STUDENTS: Yay!

ARMY OFFICER: YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!

SAME RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY FROM BEFORE: See, I told you…

ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU. Damn their warnings, damn their lies!

STUDENTS: Yay!

JAVERT: [Still in disguise] So they're gonna starve us out, then attack from the right…

GAVROCHE: LIAR. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to INSPECTOR JAVERT!

GRANTAIRE: Nicely done, Gavroche. And because we're so darn proud of you, we're not even going to question the fact that there's a small child on the barricade with us when it's going to be raining bullets up here in a matter of minutes.

PROUVAIRE: So, what should we do to him?

ENJOLRAS: The people will decide.

THE PEOPLE: Mwahaha…

JAVERT: Do what you will, but I SNEER in your general direction.

MARIUS: I told you to go home, you idiot. But as long as you're here, did you deliver the…

EPONINE: Yeah. You're welcome.

MARIUS: [Sees she's hurt] Uh, are you okay?

EPONINE: Oh, I'm just fine- [collapses]

MARIUS: [catches her] No, you're not. You're, um, bleeding profusely.

EPONINE: …And you're touching me! [Sighs dreamily]

MARIUS: …And you're severely injured.

EPONINE: ...And you're still touching me!

MARIUS: …And I think you're dying.

EPONINE: …Oh…so I am…but you're still touching me! [Dies]

MARIUS: …Wow. Now that she's gone, I kind of feel like a jerk... [Kisses her]

ENJOLRAS: No time for that right now! Back to business!

MARIUS: [Drops Eponine's body] Okay, then!

ENJOLRAS: And now that we have a casualty, we have an excuse to kick their sorry asses!

REBELS: Yay!

JOLY: Who are you?

VALJEAN: I AM JEAN VALJ—Ahem, I mean, I'm here to help.

JOLY: But you're obscenely old.

VALJEAN: So I am. But I can do THIS! [Shoots a sniper who is trying to shoot Enjorlas]

ENJOLRAS: All right! Welcome to the club.

VALJEAN: Give me the spy Javert!

ENJOLRAS: Give him to you…for what, exactly?

VALJEAN: Wouldn't _you _like to know…

ENJOLRAS: No, I wouldn't, actually. But go on ahead.

VALJEAN: Get out of here.

JAVERT: Hmph. I SNEER at your mercy. [But flees anyway]

JOLY: [Moderately intoxicated] Here's to…to…hot girls we've slept with.

GRANTAIRE: Uh-huh. And to not getting killed tomorrow.

REBELS: Cheers.

VALJEAN: BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME!

MARIUS: You DO know it's hard to sleep when you're singing like that…

VALJEAN: You shoulda thought of that before you started sneaking off with my daughter. BRING HIM HOOOOOOOOOOOME!

ENJORLAS: …Wow. We really are screwed.

FEUILLY: [Now very drunk] Well…here's to us being screwed.

REBELS: Cheers.

FEUILLY: We need ammo.

MARIUS: I'll get it!

ENJOLRAS: Uh, no.

VALJEAN: I'll get it!

GAVROCHE: I'll get it, you slowpokes!

CRAZYBEAGLE: Insert Gavroche's death here, because I can't and won't make fun of that.

ARMY OFFICER: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

ENJORLAS: Okay people, listen up. New plan. We're all gonna die, so let's die as epically as possible, got it?

REBELS: Yay! …Wait, what?

MARIUS: [Gets shot] …Ow. [Collapses]

ENJOLRAS: [Gets shot] …Dammit. Eh, might as well make it look awesome. [Splays himself out on the flag melodramatically and dies]

STUDENTS: [All get shot, and die in exaggerated slow motion as the audience resists the urge to roll their eyes]

VALJEAN: [Looking around at the pile 'o bodies] Huh. This is not good. [Sees Marius] Oh, crap...

MARIUS: … [Translation: "Ouch..."]

VALJEAN: Well, Cosette will never forgive me if I just let you rot here. [Opens the sewer hatch, climbs in, and flops Marius around quite comically while trying to lift him into the sewers]

MARIUS: … [Translation: "OUCH. Stop that."]

VALJEAN: [Struggling to carry Marius] Ugh, after all this, this boy BETTER make all of Cosette's wildest dreams come true… [Drops Marius unceremoniously and collapses]

MARIUS: …urgh… [Translation: "Are you TRYING to kill me?"]

THENARDIER: [Steals Marius' ring] I'm just gonna take this, if you don't mind… Of COURSE you don't mind! 'Cause you're DEAD! AHAHAHA!

VALJEAN: Back off! He's MINE!

MARIUS: … [Translation: "What exactly do you mean by that…?"]

JAVERT: YOOOOOOOU!

VALJEAN: [Exasperated sigh] Really?!

JAVERT: Yes, really.

VALJEAN: Can we do this later?

JAVERT: NOOOO!

VALJEAN: Do you not SEE this dying guy right here?

MARIUS: … [Translation: "Yeah, what he said."]

JAVERT: Ugh…fine. But I'll be waiting for you, 24601!

VALJEAN: No, MY NAME IS JEAN VAL- Eh, never mind. [Flees]

JAVERT: AAAGH! I cannot LIVE in a world where people show MERCY! Ha ha, THIS will show him… [Flings himself into the river Seine] Glub glub glub… [Translation: "On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea…"]

PARISIAN WOMEN: [Looking at the dead students] Huh, look at that, they're all dead! Serves the morons right…

MARIUS: They're all dead, and I'm not… AUGH! THE GUILT!

GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [Stare him down]

MARIUS: Hey, don't look at me. [Points at ghost of Enjorlas] Just because I've got massive survivor's guilt doesn't mean it was my fault.

GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [All heads turn to glare menacingly at ghost of Enjolras]

GHOST OF ENJOLRAS: [Nervous laughter] Heh heh heh, you didn't _have _to listen to me, y'know.

COSETTE: Serenade me, Marius!

MARIUS: Okay!

COSETTE AND MARIUS: A HEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE…

MARIUS: I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPEEEEELL—ugh…ow…

COSETTE: What?

MARIUS: On second thought, maybe attempting to loudly serenade you when I'm recovering from serious bullet wounds isn't such a good idea…I think I popped some stitches…

COSETTE: SERENADE ME, DAMMIT.

MARIUS: [Cowers] Uh…okay then…A-a h-heart full of yooooou…

COSETTE: That's better.

VALJEAN: Ah, young love. Oh, by the way, Marius…

MARIUS: Yeah?

VALJEAN: I'm an ex-convict, Cosette isn't really my daughter, and I'm leaving forever because that's what's best for her.

MARIUS: What…?

VALJEAN: Yup. And it's up to you to think up some reasonable explanation for my sudden and mysterious departure. [Flees]

MARIUS: Uh…okay?

WEDDING CHORUS: YAY! Finally a couple with a happy ending!

MARIUS: Yeah, except for the massive emotional baggage I'm bound to have for the rest of my life.

COSETTE: Yeah, except for the fact that I'm stuck with a guy who's bound to have massive emotional baggage for the rest of his life. Not to mention the sudden and mysterious departure of my father.

THE THENARDIERS: [In disguise] Heh, we're so sneaky.

MARIUS: No, you're really not. Go away. You're terrible people.

THE THENARDIERS: Why yes. Yes we are. But we've got dirt on Valjean.

MARIUS: Okay…

THENARDIER: I took this from some guy he killed. [Shows Marius his ring]

MARIUS: So Valjean saved me! And stealing stuff off people who aren't really dead is _very _rude.

THENARDIER: So it is. Pay up, boy.

MARIUS: [Throws money at him and punches him.]

THENARDIER: Ow. Ah well, at least we got your money. See you all in hell! [Flees]

VALJEAN: …So at this point, I serve no real purpose in the play anymore. Might as well will myself to die now!

GHOST OF FANTINE: Okay, so I forgive you for letting me get fired and thus ruining the remainder of my life, because Cosette turned out okay. Are you ready to die now?

VALJEAN: Certainly!

COSETTE: What? No!

MARIUS: SIR, I OWE YOU MY LIFE, THANK YOU SO MUCH-

VALJEAN: [Ignoring Marius completely] Oh Cosette! You're here! Now I can die happy!

COSETTE: What? No!

VALJEAN: Here, let me write down the story of my past for you, because I plan to be conveniently dead before I have to undergo the awkwardness of actually explaining it to you…

GHOSTS OF FANTINE AND EPONINE: Ahem, we don't have all day. Are you ready to die now?

VALJEAN: Yes!

VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE: TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD…

GHOST OF EPONINE: [Glares at Marius] Actually, that depends.

GHOST OF FANTINE: That's because you were _stalking_ him, dear. There's a difference. Now, are we ready?

VALJEAN: Yes! [Dies]

CAST: DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SIIIIIIIIING!

AUDIENCE: [Weeping and applauding]

THE END!


End file.
